25 Worst Movies on MST3K

Today was a great day for lovers of bad movies as Mystery Science Theater 3000 returned with a new cast and 14 new movies to riff on Netflix.
In my opinion, MST3K is the greatest show in TV history as it made me appreciate bad movies and gave me a chance to riff or crack jokes on any movie possible.
Now this is a movie site and MST3K is a TV show, so how do I write an article about a TV show on a movie blog?
Aha, I have come up with a list of what I think are the 25 worst movies that have ever been riffed on MST3K, before today's reboot.
Some of these movies could fight in the "so bad they're good" category while others are just so painful that you needed Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Crow T. Robot's jokes just to get through the film
Anyway, in the words of MST3K, we've got movie sign(I mean let's begin the countdown)

25. Pumaman(1980)

This is a superhero film made in Italy where the superhero is Pumaman, who flies sideways in front of rear-projected shots of London, and leaps around like an idiot really not saving anybody, unlike his mentor, a tall Aztec guy who drops guys out of buildings to their death to see if they can fly to prove they are the Pumaman.
The two hook up to fight the villain played by Donald Pleasance, who uses a collection of paper-machete heads to control people's minds in his goal of taking over the world while prouncing Pumaman "Pyu-ma Man".
Add all this plus an annoying theme song and you have a superhero movie that makes Batman & Robin look like The Dark Knight. I take that back, Pumaman is still better than Batman & Robin.
Summary: Pumaman! He flies like a moron!(Crow T. Robot)
24. Pod People(1983)

One year after ET: The Extraterrestrial, Spanish filmmakers decided to make their own version of ET with a lonely boy finding an alien egg that hatches into what looks like a rough draft of ALF, which he names Trumpy.
But instead of the focus being on the boy and the alien, we have two other subplots involving poachers and a singer with his entourage camping in the woods, that are being killed by the alien's brother.
It's like the director tried to combine ET with Friday the 13th, confusing the audience on whether this movie should be kid-friendly or a horror movie.
Plus, its opening credits are from another movie(The Galaxy Invader which was riffed by the guys at Rifftrax back in 2011)
Summary: It stinks!(After the singer finishes recording Idiot Control)
23. The Skydivers(1963)

MST3K introduced us to director Coleman Francis, who gives Ed Wood a run for his money as the worst director of all time, and shows all three of his films, starting with The Skydivers which is his best film which isn't saying much.
The movie is supposed to be about a couple running a skydiving facility, which Francis emphasizes in great detail with half the movie being stock footage of people skydiving.
There is choppy editing, jarring close-ups, obvious evidence of a wig on the main female character, a pointless dance scene, and obsession with coffee.
And like I said, this is Francis' best movie.
Summary: Seems like they forget to have things happen in this movie(Mike Nelson)
22. Werewolf(1996)

When your movie is made during the time MST3K is on the air(1988-1999) and gets riffed while the show is still on the air,  you know its bad.
This 1996 "classic" is about a werewolf skeleton that turns people into werewolves if they come into contact with them.
But the movie distracts you from the plot with Yuri, one of the scientists who digs up the skeleton, having his hair change in almost every scene and Natalie, one of the other scientists played by an obvious European actress who cannot perfect her American accent and to makes matters worse is more wooden than a piece of wood with her acting.
This was the latest movie to be riffed on MST3K until...
 Summary: That was the sound of the director giving up and leaving(Crow T. Robot)
21. Future War(1997)

Another sign your film is destined to be riffed on MST3K? When its not released in theaters and goes direct to video like  Future War, the latest movie ever to be riffed on MST3K as it was released on video in 1997.
Why did this movie go direct-to-video? Well, for starters, the plot which involves a runaway slave, who was captured by cyborgs from the future during Earth's past while they also captured dinosaurs to use as trackers, yet somehow they end up in the present.
The runaway, who is played by "Jean Claude Van Darn" as Mike says during the opening credits, doesn't speak English for half of the film, but then suddenly can speak English thanks to reading the Bible.
The runaway with his new nun friend and others, who all wear flannel because it was the '90s, try to destroy the dinosaurs, almost always in front of a bunch of cardboard boxes.
The film ends with a ridiculous fight scene between the runaway and one of the future cyborgs where the cuts keep appearing and disappearing on the runaway's chest which ends when the cyborg decides to blow himself up for no reason.
Summary: My theory is that the director shot the entire movie without looking at it(Crow T. Robot)
20. Santa Claus Conquers The Martians(1964)

Just by the title alone, you know this is a crappy movie, though it is a misnomer as Santa Claus doesn't really conquer the martians.
What happens is martians kidnap Santa Claus, so they can bring him to Mars for their children.
During the course of the movie, we see bear and robot costumes(or custumes as the opening titles read custume designer)that look only believable for a elementary school play and the martian Droppo, who gives Jar Jar Binks a run for his money as the most annoying character in film history.
Plus, we get stock footage of military planes taking off but no footage of the spaceships landing as we get the martians saying "We've landed" to tell the audience that they have landed.
You think this would be the worst Christmas movie MST3K riffed until...
Summary: Kids, this is Hell(Tom Servo)
19. Santa Claus(1959)

This "holiday classic" made in Mexico, which depicts Santa Claus as a bit of creep as the toys that he delivers to the children all around the world are built by child slaves from numerous countries around the world in a factory while Santa plays the organ.
Santa also uses such surveillance equipment such as the Teletalker, which is a giant set of lips, and The Master Eye, which is a telescope with a giant green eye at the end of it that Santa uses to spy on the children of the world.
Ultimately, Santa with his sleigh of reindeer, which aren't real but are mechanical toys that come to life, goes to Earth to stop the evil plan of Pinch, the Devil who stalks fear into the viewers with his frock ling around, who is trying convince to the children to reject Santa, but ultimately fails thanks to Saint Nick's magical devices of a key that can open any door in the world, a flower that makes him invisible, and a powder, which makes you fall asleep.
If I had know all this about Santa as a kid, I wouldn't have asked for anything for Christmas.
Summary: What's happening?!(Mike Nelson)
18. The Dead Talk Back(filmed in 1957, released in 1993)

There are many reasons why this movie sat for 36 years on the shelf before being released to the public.
First, we start off with a scene of two people making out in a car with the woods that has nothing to do with the story.
Second, we get a spoiler alert about how the hot blond girl is going to die thanks to the film's narrator who doesn't identify himself as a cop until several minutes into his narration.
Then, the police turn to a scientist who claims he can talk to the dead with a special radio that features a razor blade attached to a speaker inside a wineglass.
Of course, no one hears anything leading Servo to yell "That's because it's a razor blade in the glass".
And finally, the murder of the hot blond girl is solved with a ruse that her spirit has come back to convince her killer into confessing without actually talking to the dead.
Summary: They never talked to the dead(Crow T. Robot)
17. Deathstalker and the Warriors From Hell(1988)

It's hard to believe that they had made two Deathstalker movies before this one and its even harder to believe that they made another Deathstalker movie after this debacle.
This is a sword and sorcery film in which our hero, Deathstalker who drops his English accent after his first scene of the movie, trying to find three stones which is supposed to reveal a magical city I think while protecting the twin of a dead princess for some reason.
The plot gets lost in all the choppy editing, bad fight choreography, and the main villain whose pauses in the movie make William Shatner look like Laurence Oliver
Summary: This is one of the most ambitiously bad movies we have ever done.(Mike Nelson)
16. Lost Continent(1951)

Two words can describe this movie: Rock climbing.
The movie is supposed to be about a rescue mission, led by Cesar Romero(who played the Joker on the TV series Batman)and Hugh Beaumont(who was the dad on Leave It To Beaver) of an atomic rocket in the South Pacific, when they crash on an uncharted island.
After spending 20 minutes setting up all this up, the next 20 minutes shows the crew climbing the rock on the island.  20 minutes of rock climbing!
That leaves little time for the crew to deal with the dinosaurs on the top of the rock while trying to find the rocket, because they had to spend 20 minutes of the film showing them climb the rock!
Summary: Rock-climbing movies didn't have this much rock climbing in them(Tom Servo)
15. Attack of the The Eye Creatures(1965)

You're reading that right, Attack of the The Eye Creatures, which is one of the many alien invasion movies that Hollywood has made over the years.
However, the eye creatures really don't strike much terror as they arrive in a UFO that resembles a domed yo-yo and have  zippers on the back of their costumes while one of the creatures wears sneakers in a small town that constantly changes from day to night.
Perhaps scarier than the eye creatures are two military men who use the military surveillance equipment to watch teenagers make out in the woods.
 Summary: This movie makes Mannequin 2 look like a masterpiece(Crow T. Robot)
14. Eegah(1962)

You might want to take a shower like Servo and Crow did after watching this movie.
Richard Kiel, the man who played Jaws in the James Bond movies The Spy Who Loved Me and Moonraker, plays a caveman who is obsessed with a young girl named Roxy after an late-night encounter with her on the highway.
After her father goes missing after looking for the caveman in the desert(probably because he didn't watch out for snakes), Roxy and her whiny boyfriend, who sings to her in a song by the pool but calls her "Vicky" go out looking for Roxy's dad in a dune-buggy ride through the desert where Roxy goes "Whee" even though her dad is missing.
Eventually, Roxy finds her father in a cave kidnapped by the caveman, where she is encouraged by her father to have sex with the caveman but ends up shaving his beard, where Eegah ends up licking the shaving cream with his tongue.
Eventually, they escape the clutches of Eegah, who later returns at a pool party, where he is of course shot and killed, because he is a misunderstood caveman, though the viewers had wished it had been Roxy's father or her boyfriend that had been killed, instead of the caveman.
Summary: I'm being punished for something, I know it. What could have I done? I didn't ask to see this movie!(Tom Servo)
13. The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living And Become Mixed Up Zombies(1964)

Billed as the first "monster musical", this film  tries to tell the story of a man who is visiting a carnival getting hypnotized by a fortune teller turning him into a killer, but keeps getting interrupted by numerous musical numbers that have nothing to do with the plot.
Plus, we do not see the "zombies" until the last 10 minutes of the film and it turns out there are three of them that have been locked away in the fortune teller's closet the entire film.
Perhaps if the filmmakers had stuck to making a monster movie rather than making a monster movie and a musical in one film, the results could have been slightly better, as the film's budget was only $38,000.
Summary: Camera pulls out as if to say, sorry about that everyone, it's my fault(Mike Nelson)
12. Hobgoblins(1988)

I would get tested for a STD after watching this ripoff of Gremlins.
The hobgoblins(all four of them)are alien creatures, that are really hand puppets, that can bring your fantasies to life
But it seems that most of the characters' fantasies involve sex as the hobgoblins bring one man's fantasy to life of going on a date with a phone sex operator while a woman gets to life out her fantasy as a stripper.
Then there is the guy who has come home from the Army and his girlfriend, who all they want to do is have sex in his van.
Plus, there is an infamous two-minute fight scene between the Army guy and our hero, a whiny security guard, involving garden tools and the great "Kiss Kicker" song before the girl's striptease scene.
 Summary: Can we have a law that in the future, films have to be made by filmmakers(Crow T. Robot)
11. The Creeping Terror(1964)

OK, if TISCWSLABMUZ(the movie at #13) had only a budget of $38, 000 , the budget for The Creeping Terror must have been much smaller
This movie is about a slug-like monster, which is really a shaggy carpet with people underneath it to make it move, eating people in a small town where we do not get to here the people speak much because allegedly the soundtracks were lost so the film's dialogue is mostly just a man narrating the events to the audience.
But the movie has a 5-minute dance scene of girls in tight pants dancing around, so it has that going for it.
Summary: Well, it is creeping, you gotta give it that(Tom Servo)
10. The Castle of Fu Manchu(1969)

This is one of the rare films that actually made the crew on the Satellite of Love actually break down into almost madness.
The film is supposed to be about a Chinese supervillian, played by British actor Christopher Lee, whose diabolical plot is to freeze all the oceans in the world.
Other than that, I cannot really explain anything else in this movie as anyone who watches this turd will have no idea what is going on.
Summary: I wish this movie was conscious and coherent!(Tom Servo)
9. Invasion of the Neptune Men(1961)

This Japanese alien invasion movie has Sonny Chiba, the famous martial arts star,  as Space Chief, a superhero who tries to save the world from alien invaders from the planet Neptune that have record players for helmets.
But by day, Space Chief is an astronomer named Shinichi Tachibana, who help develops an energy shield to help stop the Neptune Man called the "Roji-Panty Complex".
"The Roji-Party Complex" works only temporally as the Neptune Men break through the complex resulting in a nearly 20-minute battle scene that is filled with stock footage that inexplicably includes the blowing up of a building that has a Adolf Hitler billboard on it.
It makes Prince of Space, a similar film which Mike & the Bots riffed earlier, look like Star Wars.
Summary: Take this stupid little cockroach of a film, roll up so tight, and then ram it right up your-(Tom Servo)
8. Space Mutiny(1988)

This is the film with "Blast Hard Cheese" no wait "Slab Bulk Head" or is it "Big McLarge Huge"?No, its David Ryder, the beefy hero who wears a wife beater throughout the film, trying to stop a mutiny on the spaceship Southern Sun, while wooing the daughter of the ship's commander, played by Cameron Mithcell who sports a Santa Claus beard for the movie.
While is supposed to be a action-packed sci-fi movie, all you do is laugh  at the absurdity that is going on with the overacting of the film's hero and main villain, Calgon, who looks like former NBA head coach Pat Riley, as well as the commander's daughter, Leah, who looks like she maybe only five years younger than her dad.
Then there is the death of a female officer who magically reappears a few minutes later when the movie goes back to the bridge and the Balarians, a bunch of female aerobic instructors who do nothing but gyrate throughout the film.
And then there is the film's climatic chase which takes place in the basement with the vehicles looking the floor polishers at a bowling alley.
All of this plus the fact that they used stock footage from the original Battlestar Galactica makes Space Mutiny one of the funniest movies ever made, though it was not intended to be a a comedy.
Summary: A severely impaired box turtle with a very busy schedule, just give him a camera for a day, he'd come up with something better than this(Crow T. Robot)
7. Red Zone Cuba(1966)

The second movie of the Coleman Francis trilogy(though this was the last movie he directed) starts with B-movie icon John Carradine talking to a reporter, then singing the movie's theme song "Night Train to Mundo Fine" and never appearing again in the movie.
The rest of the movie has a trio of convicts joining the US military so they could paid during the "Bay of Pigs" invasion, which apparently failed because we only sent about 10 soldiers to Cuba, according to Francis.
Then after our three "heroes" are captured by the Cubans, they escape back to the US where they go on a crime spree, which includes dropping the father of a frog legs restaurant into a well and raping his blind daughter on their quest to find treasure in a tungsten mine.
Summary: I want hurt this movie, but I could never hurt it the way it hurt me(Crow T. Robot)
6. The Wild World of Batwoman (1966)

Trying to capitalize on the popularity of the Batman TV series, director Jerry Warren made this piece of crap that left Servo yelling "End!" at the end of the movie.
The movie's "plot" involves Batwoman trying to stop her arch nemesis, Rat Fink, from selling an atomic-powered hearing aid.
But the hearing aid gets lost in all the madness that ensues which includes several scenes of scantily clad women dancing(who were allegedly strippers that were offered parts in the film to avoid going to jail after a raid shut down their strip club), a seance where Batwoman tries to communicate with a spirit to help her find the hearing aid, only to be constantly interrupted by a Chinese-speaking spirit, and then when Batwoman enters Rat Fink's secret cave, she encounters monsters from the movie The Mole People(which MST3K would riff a few years later).
After all this, you can understand why Servo was yelling for the movie to end.
Summary: Yes, the devil made this movie for you(Mike Nelson)
5. The Starfighters(1964)

To call The Starfighters a movie is an understatement, as it is more of an infomercial for the United States Air Force.
The film features long sequences of planes refueling in mid-air, mock bombing runs, and demonstrations of how pilots should use their "poopie suit", which are I learned from Wikipedia are suits used to contain body heat while in water and not suits used for bowel movements.
The film's "story" which consists of maybe 10% of the film, involves one of the pilots falling in love with a waitress while "arguing" with his father on whether or not he should fly fighter planes(the Dad wants his son to fly heavy bombers).
There is no beginning, middle, end as you like I said you feel you've just wathced a promotional film for the Air Force and not an actual movie.
Summary: I really think there is more nothing in this movie than in any movie we have seen(Mike Nelson)
4. Cave Dwellers(1984)

Of all the films that are "So bad its good", Cave Dwellers takes the top prize as the #1 movie in that category.
In this movie, which is a ripoff of Conan the Barbarian, has our hero, Ator along with his trusted sidekick, Thong(that's right Thong) protecting the Geometric Nucleus, which according to its creator "Is everything and nothing".
Even though the film is set in medieval times, it seems that many modern innovations have already happened according to this film with handrails around the castles as well as a hang glider that Ator uses toward the end of the film plus grenades.
But who are the Cave Dwellers? Well, there are two sets of creatures with one being invisible monsters that if you put your cape over them, stops them immediately and the other, being cannibalistic cave men that eat human hearts, making the heart-pulling scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom seem tame.
However, the cave dwellers are only in the movie for about five minutes as Ator saves the day after fighting a huge puppet snake that growls and then using his hang glider to make sure the Geometric Nucleus does not fall into the wrong hands.
Summary: Folks, we have snakes growling(Tom Servo)
3. Monster A Go-Go(1965)

Sometimes when a film is abandoned in the middle of it being made, maybe you shouldn't go back and try to finish the film.
After director Bill Rebane ran out of money while making this film in 1961, he abandoned the project, only to be picked up a few years later by Herschell Gordon Lewis.
The result: a complete and utter mess as characters come in an out of the movie without explanation, as some of the actors who participated in the '61 production, did not return when Lewis took over, in a movie about an astronaut who comes back to Earth and becomes infected by radiation, turning him into a killing machine.
But when it appears the monster is going to be caught, he disappears and it is revealed that the astronaut who was thought to be the monster, is actually alive and well, just to give anybody who was still watching this piece of crap the finger just for watching it.
Summary: This is gonna suck(Crow T. Robot)
2. The Beast of Yucca Flats(1961)

This is the last movie directed by Coleman Francis that MST3K riffed, and it is by far his worst.
The movie starts out with a girl getting out of a shower and then being strangled to death, but we're not exactly sure how this ties into the movie which is supposed to be about a Soviet scientist who survives a nuclear explosion to be become the "Beast of Yucca Flats".
The rest of the movie is the "beast" killing people while the narrator, which is Francis, saying random sentences like "Flag on the moon, how did it get there?", "Touch a button, things happen", and "Nothing bothers some people, not even flying saucers".
Yet, this was actually Francis' first film, so its amazing to anybody that he made two more movies after this atrocity.
Summary: This movie stops at nothing and stays there(Tom Servo)
1. Manos: The Hands of Fate(1966)

When your movie is ranked #5 on the Internet Movie Database's bottom 100 movies and when the gang behind making MST3K says the movie is the worst movie they ever showed, then it has to be the #1 movie on this list.
The first 10 minutes of Manos  make you think you're watching some family's vacation film as the movie begins with a family that is on vacation getting lost as we get to see almost every minute of their plight until they stop at an nearly abandoned hotel where they meet Torgo, a satyr-like creature who takes care of the hotel while "The Master is away".
And who is the Master? A leader of some-type cult that worships "Manos" whoever that is.
But is the sheer incompetence of the filmmakers and actors that make Manos the worst movie ever riffed on MST3K, with numerous uncomfortable moments of silence, the actors repeating their lines just seconds after saying them, a subplot involve a teenage couple making out in a car that has nothing to do with the plot, a endless fight scene between the Master's wives, and another long driving sequence toward the end of the movie.
No wonder Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank apologized to Joel and the 'Bots for showing this movie.
 Summary: Crew? They had a crew? I do not believe they had a crew(Crow T. Robot)